My father was failing as I wrote this blog. As I ponder his life, I recall what a great attorney he was, and how he could chew right through conflict. Case in point: he started his legal career defending Japanese war criminals after WWII.

I had the good fortune to read Hot Buttons: How to Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down by Sybil Evans and Sherry Suib Cohen.

The mind and the body are twins. Poet Algernon Swinburne

What happens in your mind and spirit gets to your stomach and your heart.

Know Your Hot Buttons

A Hot Button is an emotional trigger, and when someone pushes one of your hot buttons, you know it since it make you a little crazy. Self awareness of what makes you crazy and an awareness of others’ hot buttons—is very useful in business. It is important to know your conflict style. Before you can diffuse your hot buttons you must be clear about what inflames them. This sounds a lot like emotional intelligence to me!

Know Your Hot Buttons: Conflict Resolution Style

• Avoider – Make “it go away” is the goal when conflict intrudes your life
• Slash-and-Burn – Tough guy who is “in-your-face”
• Peace at all Costs – Harmony is the goal here
• Problem Solver – No problem is insurmountable if you work at it
• Exploder – Into high drama, emotional and demonstrative

This bleeds right into cooperative intelligence’s leadership, connection and communication.

• Leadership – Good leaders are self-aware and observant enough to notice what triggers other’s hot buttons.
• Connection – This sensitivity helps develop trusting and lasting relationships.
• Communication – Hot button awareness helps us be better observers, listeners and communicators.

Know Your Hot Buttons: 5 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Watch the Play – as though you’re the audience, not a participant. “Watch & play” creates a mental attitude of detachment and objectivity.
2. Confirm – the validity of the other person’s anger. You let them know you’re ready to listen.
3. Get more Info – by asking open-ended Questions.
4. Assert your own interests and needs. Note: this is step 4 after you have calmed down and listened to the other guy’s point of view. Now he is likely to listen to you.
5. Find common ground – for a solution with a problem-solving approach.

Tips from This Book to Avoid Conflicts

1. People’s beliefs are not always what you assume they are. When you think people make wrong assumptions, it can push your hot buttons.
2. Empathy is a great hot button diffuser since it acknowledges the other person’s feelings. This takes your mind off your own feelings and allows you to creep into someone else’s. This is calming during a conflict.
3. Ask questions – Questions help you learn more about the other guy’s feelings, and give you time to cool down, if you’re angry.
4. Paraphrase – By restating I can make sure I heard exactly what my partner meant me to hear. Paraphrasing also lets the other guy know I am listening, a key ingredient to conflict resolution.

Here are two books I recommend which are in a similar vein:

• Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler and Stephen R. Covey
• The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes by Bill Ury