We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
—Epictetus, Philosopher (over 2,000 years ago)
We do a lot of digital listening these days whether it’s reading or listening to videos or podcasts, for example. I prefer listening in conversation. It’s active in real time, and I can observe and learn so much since I can use all my senses in a human-to-human conversation.
Listening takes courage. Whenever you listen thoroughly to someone else’s ideas, you open yourself up to the possibility that some of your ideas are wrong.
How many times have you been in a conversation with someone at a business gathering when you notice the other person’s eyes wandering? They’re not listening to you and are talking absently, since they’re looking for someone else. When they see the other person, they drop you quickly. That’s bad, and that makes you feel bad, like you’re just a prop.
As Stephen Covey famously said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
People can tell when you aren’t listening and are waiting to have your say. Put your talking ego on hold. Note: if you have an idea to share based on what he’s saying, and struggle to remember it for when the time is right, come up with a technique or strategy that will become your memory trigger. It could be as simple as writing a key word on a sticky note pad.
Most people listen at only 25% efficiency. On average, we speak 125 words per minute and think three to four times faster.
It takes practice to be a good listener—to listen generously. By being a good listener, you convey you have heard what she’s said, have found it to be interesting, and would like to hear more and appreciate the sharing. Listening shows respect and caring for the other person.
It takes discipline and practice to put your thoughts and needs aside and to focus all your attention on what the other person is saying … and might be thinking or feeling. Good listeners use that gap to think about what’s been said and weigh the speaker’s comments against other knowledge. They listen for what was not said or not well articulated.
Here is a list of what you can think about as you’re listening to the other person. Thinking this way will help you be a better listener.
- Is it clear what he means?
- Is that answer relevant to the question?
- Is the answer complete?
- What does that tone of voice mean?
- Why is she suddenly speaking so quickly?
- Why did her expression change just now?
- Why did she just take such a deep breath?
- Why did she suddenly go quiet?
- Why is he trying to change the subject?
- Why isn’t she answering my question?
- What isn’t she saying?
- Is what he just said accurate?
- Should I comment now, probe or be silent?
- Does she have a different energy level that was not there before?
Being a good listener will differentiate you from most people, and people will remember that about you. I have found that people are more apt to share things with me, often in confidence, that I don’t think they would, were I not focused on listening to them. People can just tell…I can also keep a secret!
Good listening is one of my passions, and I know I can always improve!
What are some of the techniques you use to be a better listener?
